The Final Countdown

In 1997 Glamour Magazine published an article that got HUGE attention and resulted in a book by the same title, "30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She's 30".  This list makes me happy.

By 30, you should have ...
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
13. The belief that you deserve it.
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know ...
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing.
9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
15. Why they say life begins at 30

Now - According to this article, my "to do list" includes:

1. Finding someone to date, break up with and want to go back to.  (That seems stupid)

2. Expensive furniture shopping.
3. Purchase a new suitcase that isn’t damage from tour and finally buy that Coach umbrella (and maybe even rain boots) that I’ve been wanting.
4.  Saving a little money.  What is that?
5.  Purchasing a cordless drill (and probably learning to use it as well).
6.  Defining what I consider to be “ridiculously expensive.”  And purchase it if my iPhone doesn’t count.
7.  Bump up my exercise routine and figure out other preventative measure that allow me to stay forever young.
8.  Acknowledging that I’ve never fallen in love without losing myself.
9.  Reevaluating why I don’t think I want children. 
10.  Continue to learn when to walk away (I think this is challenging forever)
11.  Learn to live alone.
12.  Never smoke again.
13.  Learn to not take dishonesty personally.
14.  Stop apologizing when it isn’t my fault.

Oh My Sweet Carolina

This entry is long because North Carolina is the best...


What compels me to go?

I got to spend Easter weekend in the most beautiful place on earth, North Carolina.  I had the most amazing weather and got to see my family, which is always such a treat.  Sometimes I just have that feeling like I need to put my feet on North Carolina soil.  Almost instantly, I feel more grounded and reminded of who I am (and how handsome southern boys are.  JESUS they don’t make ‘em like they make ‘em down south!). 

This was probably the best trip home that I’ve had in 5 years.  The weather was exactly what it should be - -In the 70s and sunny.   

On my first layover in Charlotte I spotted my first southern boy.  GAH.  Strapping, flannel shirt, boots, looking like he knew how to drive a tractor and carry something heavy.  Holy moly LAWDY JESUS I am home.  I immediately had the urge to eat a gigantic BBQ sandwich and smoke 12 cigarettes.  After two layovers I arrived in my hometown big Ol Greenville North Carolina (yes there is an airport there (barely)). 

Fatty Fatty No Friends

Lunch with my mom and after a quickie dinner of Chic-Fil-A with my folks and my 14 year old brother I started my laundry… in my parent’s laundry ROOM.  Yes, a room the size of my kitchen in NYC dedicated to making my clothes nice and fresh without even having to pay someone to use the machine. 

Saturday I had lunch with my Mom’s parents and my mom and an afternoon pedicure (OPI’s “No Room for the Blues”), which my mom called “interesting” which is southern for ‘weird and not generally done around here’.  My brother learned two songs on the piano so that we could jam together.  Turns out he’s not a fan of learning the bridge to any song, which means he has an extensive catalog of 300 or so songs of just the verse and the chorus.  But he actually learned the bridge to “Someone Like You” and we hung out in the studio and played.  I must be getting some ‘cool points’ back (even though I still use the term “cool points” circa 1993) because I actually got to talk with him a lot and it was awesome.  

Saturday night’s Easter service at church was great.  I don’t sing in church.  I know that seems strange, but I don’t like to sing in church.  It feels like work and I judge how I sound so I just listen.  There is nothing quite as beautiful as a bunch of off-key voices just living in church.  Slow singing and slow praying.  I also had a really special night with my Dad that I will remember forever. 

I had coffee in the park with one of my besties, Dan Bass on Easter Sunday.  We watched all the kids Easter egg hunting and I realized how lucky I was to have childhood memories like that.  It was so adorable watching the parents realize that they hadn’t counted the eggs before they put them out, making it just as much of a hunt for them.  My Grandma Hart made my favorite broccoli salad and corn bread (I hope no one else wanted any) and pork roast and casserole.  Delish.  We got to spend the evening there and topped things off with cheesecake puddin'. 

Monday was family day.  So I slept in and we watched Passion of the Christ as a family and grilled hot dogs and hamburgers.  Again, my brother ACTUALLY TALKED TO ME.  It really warms my heart.  My Grandma Joyce stopped by and I had a cup of coffee with her (which means I drank coffee).  She gave me a cute Easter gift to give to Baby William and she gave me some C-Zash!  Yeah!! 

The Cutest Baby in the World and yes,
my ovaries hurt and my heart melts.

My cousin Jack and his wife made an awesome steak dinner and I visited with them on the porch and played with Baby William until bedtime.  Simply.  Perfect.  I couldn’t imagine not having this life eventually.  I know I always say I don’t want kids… but damn, their life is beautiful and I love being a part of it when I come home. 

I miss my family and southern manners.  I can honestly say that if I could do what I dream of anywhere in the world, I’d do it right there in North Carolina.  It may be Heaven on earth.

Things That Make Me Go Ew

- Bathroom Sneak Out. People who don’t wash their hands after they use the bathroom. What is up with that??! DI-sgusting. Up to half of all men and a quarter of women fail to wash their hands after they use the toilet. Gross. (The internet gave me that statistic, so it must be true.)

- Digging for Treasure. The in-car drive-by nose-pick, the wedgie dig, adjusting your junk... whatever. Do you think that we can’t see you?

- Long Nails On Men. Ew and Ow. Your nails shouldn't be longer than mine.

- Your Junk. That drunk girl in the bar in a short skirt with no panties bending over/spreading her legs/showing the world her biznASS. I worked in bar for three years. You’d be really surprised how often this happens. (Which leads to)

- Rude Behavior. People who are rude to servers/bartenders/anyone in the service industry. It says a lot about a person's character. Also, you don't look more important. You just look like a prick.

- One Night Stands. Have you seen American Psycho?

- Catty Social Networking. Some people (who should probably still be in high school) use Facebook as a weapon. Passive-aggressive status updates, posting pictures to hurt people, and political tyrads included.

- Hoarders – One dead cat episode and I was done. I know it's a disease. I just can't watch it.

- Snot Rockets. Why do men think that not using a tissue to blow your nose is okay? I hate to generalize, but I haven’t seen a woman do this.
Ever.

- Canine for Dinner. Dog on the menu. I’ve seen it. It literally makes me want to vomit.

- Whiskey. I’ve never liked the taste, or smell of whiskey. It smells like an abusive parent.

- Sex Talk. Sometimes people discuss intimate details of their sex life in front of me or other people they’ve just met. I. Don't. Know. You. If you're trying to look “worldly” or “open-minded”, you really don't. It’s sad and I don’t want to hear about your bruises or other kinky experiences.

- Public Laundry. I've learned to avoid thinking of all the dirty garments used by people I don't know that have been in the washing machine at the laundry mat before me.

xoxo-

K-dubb

Forgiveness…is more than saying sorry (except all Bono-y)

Okay, so the best way to torture yourself is to hang on to anger when someone has hurt or offended you. “Anger is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.” I realize that the only way to be free and happy is to truly forgive people that I resent and wish them only the
best. But guess what?

THAT SUCKS.

So when faced with a situation that left me feeling hurt, resentful and angry, I got advice from people who seem to not be plagued by those feelings. I mean how do you do it?

You wish them well and you have to pray FOR THEM.

I’m sorry what?
Clearly you misunderstood my question.
I was the one who was done wrong.
I am the person who is innocent in this situation. No?
Pray FOR THEM?!?! You gotta be kidding me.

Well, it turns out that the only way to truly let go of resentment towards another person and to be free of thinking of them is to SINCERELY wish them all their hearts desire, forgive them, even ask how you can be helpful to them and pray for them.
(That means, that not only do I have to DO it, I have to MEAN it) GAH. And since there is no traffic on the high road, I will be all alone in my journey.

You want to make a phone call, or shout it from the rooftop of some building in mid-town,“Look I’m such a good person that I freakin’ pray for YOU. I hope you have everything your heart desires and I even wish you the best!” – yeah, it doesn’t work like that either…unfortunately. It turns out that when you truly forgive someone, you don't get to rub it in their face.

So what’s the point?

The point is, that somehow when you truly forgive someone you get to move on. You are no longer letting a hurtful person live in your mind (and heart) rent-free. Fortunately, this usually also includes protecting yourself and not allowing them to continue in your life. But you don’t get to drop the f-bomb, walk away and be done with it. You have to sincerely (damnit) wish them the best.

Warning: The first time hurts.

"...but how do I feel this good sober"

This morning I woke up sad and confused. I was still in my intense dream where I was on a bus with people from all walks of my life on the road with some sort of dream theatre job. I seemed to be in some sort of irrational rage that I couldn't snap out of (which would happen when I would drink). My best friend Marja was there sitting quietly in the back of the bus reading a book while I continued to yell and cause a scene. I knew she had already offered all the advice she could and had given up on helping me.

I simply wouldn't listen.

As I yelled, I knew I was irrational and no one seemed to be responding. Their patience had grown thin. I gathered by this point that I had had too much to drink and had been fired from my "dream job" with this theatre company. They were dropping me off at the next stop.

So I went and sat in the front of the bus by myself and cried in an attempt to make everyone feel sorry for me. I had prepared delicious snacks for the trip and began to share my snacks as a peace offering. Everyone took what I had to offer, but no one seemed to forgive me.

My behavior was unforgivable and had gone too far.

I sat in a seat with a friend of mine from college and another friend. and I began to cry. I had lost "my dream job and I was surely never going to work again. This was supposed to be the greatest summer of my life." One of them looked at me and said, "No it isn't. This is important and you need to take care of it." I went to the front of the bus and wallowed in my self-pity of all that I had done. I awaited my punishment alone in the front of the bus.

I woke up.

Today I am grateful that this was just a dream and no longer my life.
As of yesterday, I have been living a sober lifestyle for 90 days.

Brown Eyed Girl

Dear 8 pound baby Jesus (and the coloring gods):

Thank you for making me (sort of) brunette. Hopefully this will NEVER ever happen again. I hate being blonde. I mean, no offense to natural blondes, but nothing is worse than a bottle . Counting down the days until this grows out, but at least I look like myself (a little)….

A step in the right direction

Love always,

You're Brilliant Brunette (on the inside)

It Hurts So Good

Nothing is quite as appealing as something bad for me. Let’s face it, I love everything that is dysfunctional or possibly hurtful. Masochistic? Perhaps.

I prefer rebellious and passionate… but that’s just me. At least I’m becoming aware of it. Now, I know that I promised myself that I wouldn’t date for all of 2012. I have naturally found a way to bend this rule….

Meet my new boyfriend.

He loves me unconditionally (as long as I pet him, feed him and make him feel special…which seems to be my pattern).

This is George. The new love of my life. I see him as often as I can... and naturally I am allergic.

"It's not up to me, just let me be accidentally blonde..."

Oh dear God. All those times I said that blondes get more attention, or wondered why girls like Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson could get away with dark eyes and blonde
hair – you have corrected me. Thank you for not making me born this way (Kiss it GaGa). Forget crying over spilled milk… I think I’ll cry over these highlights.

God did not bless me with the glowing bronze skin required for this California look. My porcelain Scotch Irish skin is meant for long luxurious brunette locks. You know all those times I’ve seen people and thought – why did they do that to their hair?

Yeah, payback’s a bitch.

So I told the stylist that I did not want to look like a blonde, but that I wanted to look like my headshot… (I even showed her a picture) which is of a brunette with NATURAL and SUBTLE highlights… EPIC FAIL.

I’m not Marilyn, I’m Liz Taylor.

Dear 8 pound baby Jesus, make me look human again.

Love,
Kristin

P.S. – I even tried smiling....

I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag...

This post is (unfortunately) identical to a post a made in March of 2008. One would think that I would have learned this lesson, but it seems that I like to be beat over the head with a sledge hammer in order to take things home.

Once again, I will point out that this has nothing to do with religion. Let’s look at this as a simple definition… (And if you have a better one, please share!)

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Now, I swear sometimes I have amnesia. My friend Marja has to remind me frequently of the things that people have done that do not fit the above definition. I enjoy ‘living in the moment’ to a flaw. Apparently, I have the magical power of making past behavior disappear completely before my very eyes!

I think it is my destiny to get a really “good hands” on lesson in what love really is, because I seem to have experienced almost everything it ISN’T. Most recently, I found that I had to eliminate some relationships because they were not making my life better. In fact, the opposite had started to occur. There comes a point where you wake up and realize that you care about someone more than they care about you, or even themselves (I think it’s one stop away from destination “sad, pathetic girlville”). My most recent escapades have taught me about rudeness and self-seeking behavior. When people are rude, it shows that they don’t care to take the time to treat you well and acknowledge your feelings. Self-seeking = selfish and usually is accompanied with rude behavior. It’s hard to selfishly put yourself first and be nice about it after all.

The sad thing about my experience is that no matter how much you communicate with people who behave this way, it will change nothing. Either they simply don’t view themselves as
self-seeking and rude or they just don’t care enough to treat you any differently.

Either way – delete.

And now for the true TRAGIC part about my latest endeavors – WHY AM I STILL LEARNING THIS LESSON? Why do I have a hard time eliminating people who make me feel bad and don’t care about me? It’s almost like the worse they treat me the more I want to help them. Someone get me a new therapist… or a rope.

Crooked Teeth

Here we go kids.... I'm BACK!

So much in my life has changed since the last time that I blogged. But let me just say I'm back and you better be ready for some adventures.

Today is my 78th day of living a completely sober lifestyle and my perspective on life has certainly changed. I've learned a lot about myself already and I'm looking forward to the new adventures in my future.

As we get reacquainted, we will chat more about some of the recent goings on in my life, but besides sobriety, you may notice there is a new pep in my step - that's called figuring out life on my own. For the first time since I can remember, I am not IN a relationship, LOOKING for a relationship, or IN TRANSITION between relationships. Holy mother of God - you better find your ice skates, I think hell just froze over...

"Cause I built you a hole in my heart, with rotten wood, meant to cave from the start." Let's get back to the basics, shall we?

xoxo
K-dub

I'd like to Supersize that Humble Pie, Please

I've spoken about this frequently on my blog, but it just continues to come up in my life and be a pet peeve of mine. There is a fine line between confidence and conceit, and if you're not sure which side you're on, chances are you've crossed it. Nothing says 'newbie to New York" quite like a cocky attitude. It's really interesting to see people when they first move here - and I even think it takes a couple of years to be humbled by this city, but it's so obvious when someone hasn't been. Fresh of the Jet Blue flight to LaGuardia, still on a high from playing the lead in their last college production, or being named best actress by there pees, it's like they're carrying a contagious disease. Conceit. So annoying. Just go sit at any non-equity audition with all the kiddies fresh out of school...they definitely on the quick path to Broadway. Here's the thing, EVERY performer here was the star of their hometown - played leads in college, etc, etc... Why do people think that makes them special. We've all done that, and before you. Humility keeps you learning, working and fine tuning your craft... which the newbies will soon discover they aren't done with their craft. Cocky fades fast in this city... but a shitty personality is forever.

In My Mind I'm (Already) Gone to Carolina

So audition season is officially wrapping up and slowing down and it's very bitter sweet. Bitter in the sense that I haven't booked anything, but sweet in that I will be spending my summer in New York and that I might actually have some time to relax and sleep in.

I am in DESPERATE need of a vacation. I was just home over the holidays, but it feels like I need to get out of this town and on a beach stat! Thank God, my BFF from college is getting married and I'm going to North Carolina for an entire week!! I will be hitting up two different beaches and visiting my family in one swoop!

Did I mention that I have a dress that I've been DYING to wear and this wedding seems like the perfect occasion. I won't spoil it completely, but this is the bodice.

Please notice the bright orange sale tag on the side... Let's just say I practically STOLE this $500 dress off the rack!!

Of course, it wouldn't be a trip home if I didn't try to fit in as much as I could while I'm there!!

We fly in and drive home to my parents' house and will be there in time to have drinks with my former professor and see my cousin make her mainstage debut at my aluma mater!! It's a very happy accident that we can make it! Hellllo universe?!?!

Then it's off to Bald Head Island (as in you can't even drive cars on this beautiful deserted beach) for the lingerie party and wedding the next day. I am packing my kleenex for this one! My dad refers to my college BFF as "the good daughter".

After the wedding, it's time to relax with no obligations at beach #2, courtesey of my wonderful aunt and uncle! After a couple of days of having no where to be, looking at the water, and soaking in the sun at their beautiful beach house, we will head back to my home town and spend some QT with my family cooking steaks on the grill!

So I have lots of relaxing in my near future and I think it's well deserved. I'm truly going to embrace the moment, take some long walks on the beach and spend at least one morning sipping coffee on the wrap around poarch of my aunt's plantation style beach house and just reflect. Journal. Listen to the silence. Enjoy the salty air on my skin. And maybe even get some color on this pale skin!

Sometimes you just gotta go home! I dare say, North Carolina may be the greatest place on earth. I know the North Carolina beaches DEFINITELY rank among the most beautiful places in America, but one this is for sure - THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!!

This season has been truly exhausting. I think the universe is desparately trying to teach me patience... I haven't quite gotten there yet, but for now - VACATION!!!!

EPIC. FAIL.

Today has definitely been one of the worst days of my life. Please take a walk with me through a miserable day in NYC.

Let's begin with the weather. Three days ago was "the first day of Spring"... clearly a fail considering that today was 30 degrees and a snowy/rainy/slushy miserable day. I woke up at the butt crack of dawn, exhausted.

I plan to attend my doctor's appointment with my fabulous ENT with enough time to make it to my first audition of the day. I HAVE to be at the audition by 10:00, ideally 9:30. After having to receive three PAINFUL injections in my nose due to swelling, I leave the doctor around 10:06. After paying $15 in cab fare to get there quickly, I arrive to find out that the call is closed and I cannot be seen. Fail.

Then I decide to eat breakfast (by myself) which is just depressing and then I head to my next audition in the crappy weather.

I spend ALL afternoon waiting at my second audition and realize that I am going to be late for work because they are asking some people a second song. Fail.

I call work to tell them I will be late - then my phone dies. Fail.

Insert annoying girls with Broadway credits (who want everyone to know they have them) who are talking so loudly that I can't even read my book about how the only thing auditions should require is either a kick from dancers or a high c from singers. (Idiots... clearly acting wasn't in the equation).

I FINALLY get into the room and explain my piece exactly how my coach has told me, and I know that it is PERFECT for this season. I say my bit to the accompanist, but what I SHOULD have said was, "Hello, accompanist's name, this is what they call a piano." After the accompanist plays something that in no way even sounds like my song, I look like a complete idiot and I'm given a very abrasive, short and patronizing, "Thank you, Kristin". Now I SHOULD have asked to start over and said, "May I start over, I must have not explained my song correctly." or "May I do a different selection for you, clearly we weren't jiving with each other"... or maybe I SHOULDN'T have gotten out of bed this morning. FAIL.

Then comes the delightful trip work (45 minutes late with a dead cell phone) where I am once again thrilled by the efficient service of the MTA. My train stops three times under ground and in the mean time, a lady comes up to me and says, "You bumped me with your bag", which I don't doubt that I could have at all, because I carry my life on my shoulders on a daily basis and my bag barely passes carry-on standards. I said, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize it." She continues to stand over me and finally my bad day (and New York attitude) came to full talent and I said, "What do you want me to say? I said I'm sorry." Now what I SHOULD have said was, "What do you want a dollar?", "Would you like for me to give you my bag so you can hit ME with it?", or "Freakin' welcome to New York lady!"... but at this point all I'm thinking is WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME MARCH 23RD?!?!?

I finally make it to work, with tears in my eyes and there are peanut butter cookies waiting for me on my desk. I ate three. SUCCESS.

Everyone knows that calories don't count when you're having an epic fail day.

Nobody Likes a Quitter

It's been a bad couple of years for performers. Not gonna lie, this economy sucks and it's forced many performers who normally are working on Broadway to work for less and take regional work that in the past has gone to us ahem, less credited performers.

That being said, I spent the last few weeks contemplating what I really wanted out of my life. I've invested a huge amount of energy (and money and time and heart...etc.) into this deam of mine and I was seriously wondering if all the sacrafice would ever pay off. I mean if you're an architect and no one asks you to design a building for two years, are you still an architect?

Well, the answer is yes, (and thanks to Clay for that answer) because you are educated and capable of designing a building. And though it's been a hard couple of years for me and I'm not working like I want to - that still makes me an actress.

So here's the light bulb that went off for me yesterday...

What am I afraid of? Of failing? Of never working again?

Well if someone quits the business then they are INSURING that they will never work again.... and therefore, that makes them someone who fulfilled their own fears... Masochistic? Maybe.

There is not room for fear in this lifetime. You live ONCE and life is very short. You can't just quit when you're afraid. Don't quit anything you love.

k-dub

5 Years and Counting...

This year will be my five year anniversary as a starving actor/waitress/administrative assistant in New York. The biggest lesson I've learned is that I know nothing, but seeing as how this blog was originally supposed to be "thoughts from a southern girl in New York"... I feel that I should share some things that I (am still learning) have been forced to learn.

Humility- It seems that some people never have to learn this. I guess they are the lucky few who are handed their dreams (or highly successful jobs) and never have to be at the bottom of the totem pole (or the service industry)...

It seems every aspect of my life at some point or another has been a giant lesson in humility. (Was I born cocky?) From working for an attorney that is only a year older than me and is highly intelligent and successful (nothing says 'ouch' like realizing the rest of the world is "at your age"), or the audition that makes you feel like cattle - New York SHOULD be a very humbling place. You haven't been humbled yet? Go wait tables. That should do the trick.

Brother Jimmy's - If you are a Southerner, then there are two places you have to know about in New York. Number 1 - Brother Jimmy's and Number 2 - Hill Country (Texas BBQ). Now being a North Carolinian, I prefer Brother Jimmy's (BEST collards EVER!!), but I won't knock Hill Country's banana puddin'. Sometimes you just need a taste of home and that's a good place to start. Half off with a southern ID on Wednesdays at Brother Jimmy's - and chances are, if you're a southern alum, you will run into some familiar faces.

Laundry - If you have the $20 to spare, it is BY far better to just drop off your laundry. Don't punish yourself and sit there all day. Think about it this way, that's 3 hours that you could have been at work and will never get back from your life. What is more valuable to you?

Alcohol - Nothing will swallow your paycheck more than trying to go out drinking in New York. Do yourself a favor, make the trip to a friend's bar where you may get some drinks on the house, or drink at home (unless it's a special occasion) and if you don't have the money to tip, please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD stay home!! (Side note - it requires just as much effort for your bartender to make you a glass of water as it does to pour a beer. You want to get fast service? Be the guy who tips on water.)

k-dub

And there is a flag on the play!

In the spirit of all things football as of late, I began to fantasize about how wonderful life would be if we could all just have "challenge" and "penalty" flags available to us at a moments notice... sort of Referee's at life.

For Example:
A "discussion" between Dan and I COULD go like this:

I walk into my apartment with my shoes on to set my heavy bag in the bedroom...

Dan: (flag on the play) - "Don't walk across the apartment in your dirty shoes that have been all over New York."

Me: (CHALLENGE) - "Who cleans the floor you are complaining about?" Penalty denied and I have now gain possession of the conversation.

Just THINK how amazing would it be?

You see that gross guy on the subway clipping his fingernails, (what is that about?!?!) and you could throw a giant yellow flag in his face and demand he be penalized back to the platform.

OR that asshole in the bar who is running you back and forth, not tipping, AND trying to flirt with you - (or my personal favorite, "Why don't you march your little ass up to the bar and get me another beer?" - yes, that really did happen).

How convenient and amazing would it be to alarm every girl in the bar that THAT guy is a giant douche bag and does not deserve any one's phone number?

Just saying... Food for Thought....

For The First Time... I Feel Wicked ;) - Week 2

Okay, I know you will all judge me and now I am officially a Musical Theatre dork - but this week I have decided to acknowledge Elphaba Thropp. I don't care if she is a fictional character. She has greatly affected my life. Elphie has restored many of my dreams in musical theatre (and it doesn't hurt that I can't wait to play her). I STILL get teary eyed when I hear that score (shout out to Stephen Schwartz) and I let my own demons get in the way of my dreams of playing her for a long time. But NOW things are different. When I work on the material for this role, I feel renewed, almost like a little hope light shines inside me.

We're talking about one of the hardest roles ever created... which is another reason why she has changed my life. I'm having to learn a GREAT deal about patience with myself while approaching this material. Of course, many "vampires" (see previous entry if you don't know what I'm talking about) come to visit when you decide that you are going to sing "Defying Gravity".

"Oh WHO is she?!?"

"AM I strong enough to really play this role?"

"This girl better belt her face if she thinks she is going to sing THIS in class!"

I'm sure you can imagine more.

But the truth is, every girl that has ever played (or will play) Elphaba has had to spend countless hours (months) preparing. It's not just about belting face or "vocal fireworks", (yes, that is the term Telsey uses) it's also about heart and I know that I have a huge one. I know that one day I will play the lady in green and I'll melt your face off when I give you a fierce "Defying Gravity" but I'll melt your heart in "I'm Not That Girl". But for now, I'm grateful to Elphie for all the challenges she has already made me face. Nailing every pitch perfect is part of it of course, but mostly having patience with myself and knowing that Rome wasn't built in a day and neither are Tony award winning leading ladies.

At least I know I look good in green ;)

And the Award Goes To... Week 1

January 6, 2011

In an effort to honor the good in my life, I've decided that with my blog in 2011, I am going to give a weekly salute to someone special in my life who has been an influence, or simply made it better. And I don't even want anything in return.

And since it's only the first week in January, this gives all of you wonderful friends of mine 52 opportunities to be honored in my blog!...Er, 51 if your name isn't Dan Bass (Sasha Sondheim).

My relationship with Dan begain while I was playing Gwendolen in The Importance of Being Earnest and Dan was Lady Bracknell's (the ah-mazing Charles Nye's) dresser. We hit it off swimmingly and following that fall, we became particularly close while he resided at "The Ice Box", affectionately termed so because it was the coolest (literally and figuratively) place to hang out in the Summer of 2006. He remained my friend that summer even though I stole his role in Footloose which he clearly deserved. That summer we originated the OOC and don't get it twisted - that is when Out of Control BEGAN.

I don't get to talk to Dan as much as I want (because he is busy being adored and cast in shows) but whenever I see him, we can always pick up like no time has past and I trust him with anything. He knows exactly how I like my rides to the airport - WITH BOJANGLE'S - and he always seems to make sure that I catch my flight back to NYC, despite much effort on my part to not be completely packed or sober.

Dan is someone that I can always count on for a great time because he is caring, generous, loving and compassionate. I love going out with him while I'm back home visiting my family... which I cherish, but I can't wait until he is in New York for good!!! Get here!!

For reals - this is 2008

-k

Don't Excuse Your Future

So I'm taking another auditioning class and my teacher drops the most amazing statement on me:

"As artists we focus on what went wrong because it gives an excuse for future failures."

This was in reference to someone saying that their audition was bad. And I thought about it, it is SO true. If you focus on what you don't do well or what went wrong, it's a lot easier to say, "I don't need to go to that audition" or "I'm not going to book that job"... Just excusing future failures.

Interesting...

Winds of Destiny

"I have studied many times

The marble which was chiseled for me -

A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor.

In truth it pictures not my destination

But my life.

For love was offered me and I shrank from its disillusionments

Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid;

Ambition called to me, but I dreaded the chances.

Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life.

And now I know that we must lift the sail

And catch the winds of destiny

Wherever they drive the boat.

To put meaning in one's life may end in madness,

But life without meaning is the torture

Of restlessness and vague desire -

It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid."

- George Gray

Spoon River Anthology

Keeping that sail lifted -