The Final Countdown

In 1997 Glamour Magazine published an article that got HUGE attention and resulted in a book by the same title, "30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She's 30".  This list makes me happy.

By 30, you should have ...
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
13. The belief that you deserve it.
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know ...
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing.
9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
15. Why they say life begins at 30

Now - According to this article, my "to do list" includes:

1. Finding someone to date, break up with and want to go back to.  (That seems stupid)

2. Expensive furniture shopping.
3. Purchase a new suitcase that isn’t damage from tour and finally buy that Coach umbrella (and maybe even rain boots) that I’ve been wanting.
4.  Saving a little money.  What is that?
5.  Purchasing a cordless drill (and probably learning to use it as well).
6.  Defining what I consider to be “ridiculously expensive.”  And purchase it if my iPhone doesn’t count.
7.  Bump up my exercise routine and figure out other preventative measure that allow me to stay forever young.
8.  Acknowledging that I’ve never fallen in love without losing myself.
9.  Reevaluating why I don’t think I want children. 
10.  Continue to learn when to walk away (I think this is challenging forever)
11.  Learn to live alone.
12.  Never smoke again.
13.  Learn to not take dishonesty personally.
14.  Stop apologizing when it isn’t my fault.

Oh My Sweet Carolina

This entry is long because North Carolina is the best...


What compels me to go?

I got to spend Easter weekend in the most beautiful place on earth, North Carolina.  I had the most amazing weather and got to see my family, which is always such a treat.  Sometimes I just have that feeling like I need to put my feet on North Carolina soil.  Almost instantly, I feel more grounded and reminded of who I am (and how handsome southern boys are.  JESUS they don’t make ‘em like they make ‘em down south!). 

This was probably the best trip home that I’ve had in 5 years.  The weather was exactly what it should be - -In the 70s and sunny.   

On my first layover in Charlotte I spotted my first southern boy.  GAH.  Strapping, flannel shirt, boots, looking like he knew how to drive a tractor and carry something heavy.  Holy moly LAWDY JESUS I am home.  I immediately had the urge to eat a gigantic BBQ sandwich and smoke 12 cigarettes.  After two layovers I arrived in my hometown big Ol Greenville North Carolina (yes there is an airport there (barely)). 

Fatty Fatty No Friends

Lunch with my mom and after a quickie dinner of Chic-Fil-A with my folks and my 14 year old brother I started my laundry… in my parent’s laundry ROOM.  Yes, a room the size of my kitchen in NYC dedicated to making my clothes nice and fresh without even having to pay someone to use the machine. 

Saturday I had lunch with my Mom’s parents and my mom and an afternoon pedicure (OPI’s “No Room for the Blues”), which my mom called “interesting” which is southern for ‘weird and not generally done around here’.  My brother learned two songs on the piano so that we could jam together.  Turns out he’s not a fan of learning the bridge to any song, which means he has an extensive catalog of 300 or so songs of just the verse and the chorus.  But he actually learned the bridge to “Someone Like You” and we hung out in the studio and played.  I must be getting some ‘cool points’ back (even though I still use the term “cool points” circa 1993) because I actually got to talk with him a lot and it was awesome.  

Saturday night’s Easter service at church was great.  I don’t sing in church.  I know that seems strange, but I don’t like to sing in church.  It feels like work and I judge how I sound so I just listen.  There is nothing quite as beautiful as a bunch of off-key voices just living in church.  Slow singing and slow praying.  I also had a really special night with my Dad that I will remember forever. 

I had coffee in the park with one of my besties, Dan Bass on Easter Sunday.  We watched all the kids Easter egg hunting and I realized how lucky I was to have childhood memories like that.  It was so adorable watching the parents realize that they hadn’t counted the eggs before they put them out, making it just as much of a hunt for them.  My Grandma Hart made my favorite broccoli salad and corn bread (I hope no one else wanted any) and pork roast and casserole.  Delish.  We got to spend the evening there and topped things off with cheesecake puddin'. 

Monday was family day.  So I slept in and we watched Passion of the Christ as a family and grilled hot dogs and hamburgers.  Again, my brother ACTUALLY TALKED TO ME.  It really warms my heart.  My Grandma Joyce stopped by and I had a cup of coffee with her (which means I drank coffee).  She gave me a cute Easter gift to give to Baby William and she gave me some C-Zash!  Yeah!! 

The Cutest Baby in the World and yes,
my ovaries hurt and my heart melts.

My cousin Jack and his wife made an awesome steak dinner and I visited with them on the porch and played with Baby William until bedtime.  Simply.  Perfect.  I couldn’t imagine not having this life eventually.  I know I always say I don’t want kids… but damn, their life is beautiful and I love being a part of it when I come home. 

I miss my family and southern manners.  I can honestly say that if I could do what I dream of anywhere in the world, I’d do it right there in North Carolina.  It may be Heaven on earth.

Things That Make Me Go Ew

- Bathroom Sneak Out. People who don’t wash their hands after they use the bathroom. What is up with that??! DI-sgusting. Up to half of all men and a quarter of women fail to wash their hands after they use the toilet. Gross. (The internet gave me that statistic, so it must be true.)

- Digging for Treasure. The in-car drive-by nose-pick, the wedgie dig, adjusting your junk... whatever. Do you think that we can’t see you?

- Long Nails On Men. Ew and Ow. Your nails shouldn't be longer than mine.

- Your Junk. That drunk girl in the bar in a short skirt with no panties bending over/spreading her legs/showing the world her biznASS. I worked in bar for three years. You’d be really surprised how often this happens. (Which leads to)

- Rude Behavior. People who are rude to servers/bartenders/anyone in the service industry. It says a lot about a person's character. Also, you don't look more important. You just look like a prick.

- One Night Stands. Have you seen American Psycho?

- Catty Social Networking. Some people (who should probably still be in high school) use Facebook as a weapon. Passive-aggressive status updates, posting pictures to hurt people, and political tyrads included.

- Hoarders – One dead cat episode and I was done. I know it's a disease. I just can't watch it.

- Snot Rockets. Why do men think that not using a tissue to blow your nose is okay? I hate to generalize, but I haven’t seen a woman do this.
Ever.

- Canine for Dinner. Dog on the menu. I’ve seen it. It literally makes me want to vomit.

- Whiskey. I’ve never liked the taste, or smell of whiskey. It smells like an abusive parent.

- Sex Talk. Sometimes people discuss intimate details of their sex life in front of me or other people they’ve just met. I. Don't. Know. You. If you're trying to look “worldly” or “open-minded”, you really don't. It’s sad and I don’t want to hear about your bruises or other kinky experiences.

- Public Laundry. I've learned to avoid thinking of all the dirty garments used by people I don't know that have been in the washing machine at the laundry mat before me.

xoxo-

K-dubb

Forgiveness…is more than saying sorry (except all Bono-y)

Okay, so the best way to torture yourself is to hang on to anger when someone has hurt or offended you. “Anger is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.” I realize that the only way to be free and happy is to truly forgive people that I resent and wish them only the
best. But guess what?

THAT SUCKS.

So when faced with a situation that left me feeling hurt, resentful and angry, I got advice from people who seem to not be plagued by those feelings. I mean how do you do it?

You wish them well and you have to pray FOR THEM.

I’m sorry what?
Clearly you misunderstood my question.
I was the one who was done wrong.
I am the person who is innocent in this situation. No?
Pray FOR THEM?!?! You gotta be kidding me.

Well, it turns out that the only way to truly let go of resentment towards another person and to be free of thinking of them is to SINCERELY wish them all their hearts desire, forgive them, even ask how you can be helpful to them and pray for them.
(That means, that not only do I have to DO it, I have to MEAN it) GAH. And since there is no traffic on the high road, I will be all alone in my journey.

You want to make a phone call, or shout it from the rooftop of some building in mid-town,“Look I’m such a good person that I freakin’ pray for YOU. I hope you have everything your heart desires and I even wish you the best!” – yeah, it doesn’t work like that either…unfortunately. It turns out that when you truly forgive someone, you don't get to rub it in their face.

So what’s the point?

The point is, that somehow when you truly forgive someone you get to move on. You are no longer letting a hurtful person live in your mind (and heart) rent-free. Fortunately, this usually also includes protecting yourself and not allowing them to continue in your life. But you don’t get to drop the f-bomb, walk away and be done with it. You have to sincerely (damnit) wish them the best.

Warning: The first time hurts.

"...but how do I feel this good sober"

This morning I woke up sad and confused. I was still in my intense dream where I was on a bus with people from all walks of my life on the road with some sort of dream theatre job. I seemed to be in some sort of irrational rage that I couldn't snap out of (which would happen when I would drink). My best friend Marja was there sitting quietly in the back of the bus reading a book while I continued to yell and cause a scene. I knew she had already offered all the advice she could and had given up on helping me.

I simply wouldn't listen.

As I yelled, I knew I was irrational and no one seemed to be responding. Their patience had grown thin. I gathered by this point that I had had too much to drink and had been fired from my "dream job" with this theatre company. They were dropping me off at the next stop.

So I went and sat in the front of the bus by myself and cried in an attempt to make everyone feel sorry for me. I had prepared delicious snacks for the trip and began to share my snacks as a peace offering. Everyone took what I had to offer, but no one seemed to forgive me.

My behavior was unforgivable and had gone too far.

I sat in a seat with a friend of mine from college and another friend. and I began to cry. I had lost "my dream job and I was surely never going to work again. This was supposed to be the greatest summer of my life." One of them looked at me and said, "No it isn't. This is important and you need to take care of it." I went to the front of the bus and wallowed in my self-pity of all that I had done. I awaited my punishment alone in the front of the bus.

I woke up.

Today I am grateful that this was just a dream and no longer my life.
As of yesterday, I have been living a sober lifestyle for 90 days.

Brown Eyed Girl

Dear 8 pound baby Jesus (and the coloring gods):

Thank you for making me (sort of) brunette. Hopefully this will NEVER ever happen again. I hate being blonde. I mean, no offense to natural blondes, but nothing is worse than a bottle . Counting down the days until this grows out, but at least I look like myself (a little)….

A step in the right direction

Love always,

You're Brilliant Brunette (on the inside)

It Hurts So Good

Nothing is quite as appealing as something bad for me. Let’s face it, I love everything that is dysfunctional or possibly hurtful. Masochistic? Perhaps.

I prefer rebellious and passionate… but that’s just me. At least I’m becoming aware of it. Now, I know that I promised myself that I wouldn’t date for all of 2012. I have naturally found a way to bend this rule….

Meet my new boyfriend.

He loves me unconditionally (as long as I pet him, feed him and make him feel special…which seems to be my pattern).

This is George. The new love of my life. I see him as often as I can... and naturally I am allergic.

"It's not up to me, just let me be accidentally blonde..."

Oh dear God. All those times I said that blondes get more attention, or wondered why girls like Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson could get away with dark eyes and blonde
hair – you have corrected me. Thank you for not making me born this way (Kiss it GaGa). Forget crying over spilled milk… I think I’ll cry over these highlights.

God did not bless me with the glowing bronze skin required for this California look. My porcelain Scotch Irish skin is meant for long luxurious brunette locks. You know all those times I’ve seen people and thought – why did they do that to their hair?

Yeah, payback’s a bitch.

So I told the stylist that I did not want to look like a blonde, but that I wanted to look like my headshot… (I even showed her a picture) which is of a brunette with NATURAL and SUBTLE highlights… EPIC FAIL.

I’m not Marilyn, I’m Liz Taylor.

Dear 8 pound baby Jesus, make me look human again.

Love,
Kristin

P.S. – I even tried smiling....

I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag...

This post is (unfortunately) identical to a post a made in March of 2008. One would think that I would have learned this lesson, but it seems that I like to be beat over the head with a sledge hammer in order to take things home.

Once again, I will point out that this has nothing to do with religion. Let’s look at this as a simple definition… (And if you have a better one, please share!)

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Now, I swear sometimes I have amnesia. My friend Marja has to remind me frequently of the things that people have done that do not fit the above definition. I enjoy ‘living in the moment’ to a flaw. Apparently, I have the magical power of making past behavior disappear completely before my very eyes!

I think it is my destiny to get a really “good hands” on lesson in what love really is, because I seem to have experienced almost everything it ISN’T. Most recently, I found that I had to eliminate some relationships because they were not making my life better. In fact, the opposite had started to occur. There comes a point where you wake up and realize that you care about someone more than they care about you, or even themselves (I think it’s one stop away from destination “sad, pathetic girlville”). My most recent escapades have taught me about rudeness and self-seeking behavior. When people are rude, it shows that they don’t care to take the time to treat you well and acknowledge your feelings. Self-seeking = selfish and usually is accompanied with rude behavior. It’s hard to selfishly put yourself first and be nice about it after all.

The sad thing about my experience is that no matter how much you communicate with people who behave this way, it will change nothing. Either they simply don’t view themselves as
self-seeking and rude or they just don’t care enough to treat you any differently.

Either way – delete.

And now for the true TRAGIC part about my latest endeavors – WHY AM I STILL LEARNING THIS LESSON? Why do I have a hard time eliminating people who make me feel bad and don’t care about me? It’s almost like the worse they treat me the more I want to help them. Someone get me a new therapist… or a rope.

Crooked Teeth

Here we go kids.... I'm BACK!

So much in my life has changed since the last time that I blogged. But let me just say I'm back and you better be ready for some adventures.

Today is my 78th day of living a completely sober lifestyle and my perspective on life has certainly changed. I've learned a lot about myself already and I'm looking forward to the new adventures in my future.

As we get reacquainted, we will chat more about some of the recent goings on in my life, but besides sobriety, you may notice there is a new pep in my step - that's called figuring out life on my own. For the first time since I can remember, I am not IN a relationship, LOOKING for a relationship, or IN TRANSITION between relationships. Holy mother of God - you better find your ice skates, I think hell just froze over...

"Cause I built you a hole in my heart, with rotten wood, meant to cave from the start." Let's get back to the basics, shall we?

xoxo
K-dub