Oh My Sweet Carolina

This entry is long because North Carolina is the best...


What compels me to go?

I got to spend Easter weekend in the most beautiful place on earth, North Carolina.  I had the most amazing weather and got to see my family, which is always such a treat.  Sometimes I just have that feeling like I need to put my feet on North Carolina soil.  Almost instantly, I feel more grounded and reminded of who I am (and how handsome southern boys are.  JESUS they don’t make ‘em like they make ‘em down south!). 

This was probably the best trip home that I’ve had in 5 years.  The weather was exactly what it should be - -In the 70s and sunny.   

On my first layover in Charlotte I spotted my first southern boy.  GAH.  Strapping, flannel shirt, boots, looking like he knew how to drive a tractor and carry something heavy.  Holy moly LAWDY JESUS I am home.  I immediately had the urge to eat a gigantic BBQ sandwich and smoke 12 cigarettes.  After two layovers I arrived in my hometown big Ol Greenville North Carolina (yes there is an airport there (barely)). 

Fatty Fatty No Friends

Lunch with my mom and after a quickie dinner of Chic-Fil-A with my folks and my 14 year old brother I started my laundry… in my parent’s laundry ROOM.  Yes, a room the size of my kitchen in NYC dedicated to making my clothes nice and fresh without even having to pay someone to use the machine. 

Saturday I had lunch with my Mom’s parents and my mom and an afternoon pedicure (OPI’s “No Room for the Blues”), which my mom called “interesting” which is southern for ‘weird and not generally done around here’.  My brother learned two songs on the piano so that we could jam together.  Turns out he’s not a fan of learning the bridge to any song, which means he has an extensive catalog of 300 or so songs of just the verse and the chorus.  But he actually learned the bridge to “Someone Like You” and we hung out in the studio and played.  I must be getting some ‘cool points’ back (even though I still use the term “cool points” circa 1993) because I actually got to talk with him a lot and it was awesome.  

Saturday night’s Easter service at church was great.  I don’t sing in church.  I know that seems strange, but I don’t like to sing in church.  It feels like work and I judge how I sound so I just listen.  There is nothing quite as beautiful as a bunch of off-key voices just living in church.  Slow singing and slow praying.  I also had a really special night with my Dad that I will remember forever. 

I had coffee in the park with one of my besties, Dan Bass on Easter Sunday.  We watched all the kids Easter egg hunting and I realized how lucky I was to have childhood memories like that.  It was so adorable watching the parents realize that they hadn’t counted the eggs before they put them out, making it just as much of a hunt for them.  My Grandma Hart made my favorite broccoli salad and corn bread (I hope no one else wanted any) and pork roast and casserole.  Delish.  We got to spend the evening there and topped things off with cheesecake puddin'. 

Monday was family day.  So I slept in and we watched Passion of the Christ as a family and grilled hot dogs and hamburgers.  Again, my brother ACTUALLY TALKED TO ME.  It really warms my heart.  My Grandma Joyce stopped by and I had a cup of coffee with her (which means I drank coffee).  She gave me a cute Easter gift to give to Baby William and she gave me some C-Zash!  Yeah!! 

The Cutest Baby in the World and yes,
my ovaries hurt and my heart melts.

My cousin Jack and his wife made an awesome steak dinner and I visited with them on the porch and played with Baby William until bedtime.  Simply.  Perfect.  I couldn’t imagine not having this life eventually.  I know I always say I don’t want kids… but damn, their life is beautiful and I love being a part of it when I come home. 

I miss my family and southern manners.  I can honestly say that if I could do what I dream of anywhere in the world, I’d do it right there in North Carolina.  It may be Heaven on earth.

Things That Make Me Go Ew

- Bathroom Sneak Out. People who don’t wash their hands after they use the bathroom. What is up with that??! DI-sgusting. Up to half of all men and a quarter of women fail to wash their hands after they use the toilet. Gross. (The internet gave me that statistic, so it must be true.)

- Digging for Treasure. The in-car drive-by nose-pick, the wedgie dig, adjusting your junk... whatever. Do you think that we can’t see you?

- Long Nails On Men. Ew and Ow. Your nails shouldn't be longer than mine.

- Your Junk. That drunk girl in the bar in a short skirt with no panties bending over/spreading her legs/showing the world her biznASS. I worked in bar for three years. You’d be really surprised how often this happens. (Which leads to)

- Rude Behavior. People who are rude to servers/bartenders/anyone in the service industry. It says a lot about a person's character. Also, you don't look more important. You just look like a prick.

- One Night Stands. Have you seen American Psycho?

- Catty Social Networking. Some people (who should probably still be in high school) use Facebook as a weapon. Passive-aggressive status updates, posting pictures to hurt people, and political tyrads included.

- Hoarders – One dead cat episode and I was done. I know it's a disease. I just can't watch it.

- Snot Rockets. Why do men think that not using a tissue to blow your nose is okay? I hate to generalize, but I haven’t seen a woman do this.
Ever.

- Canine for Dinner. Dog on the menu. I’ve seen it. It literally makes me want to vomit.

- Whiskey. I’ve never liked the taste, or smell of whiskey. It smells like an abusive parent.

- Sex Talk. Sometimes people discuss intimate details of their sex life in front of me or other people they’ve just met. I. Don't. Know. You. If you're trying to look “worldly” or “open-minded”, you really don't. It’s sad and I don’t want to hear about your bruises or other kinky experiences.

- Public Laundry. I've learned to avoid thinking of all the dirty garments used by people I don't know that have been in the washing machine at the laundry mat before me.

xoxo-

K-dubb

Forgiveness…is more than saying sorry (except all Bono-y)

Okay, so the best way to torture yourself is to hang on to anger when someone has hurt or offended you. “Anger is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.” I realize that the only way to be free and happy is to truly forgive people that I resent and wish them only the
best. But guess what?

THAT SUCKS.

So when faced with a situation that left me feeling hurt, resentful and angry, I got advice from people who seem to not be plagued by those feelings. I mean how do you do it?

You wish them well and you have to pray FOR THEM.

I’m sorry what?
Clearly you misunderstood my question.
I was the one who was done wrong.
I am the person who is innocent in this situation. No?
Pray FOR THEM?!?! You gotta be kidding me.

Well, it turns out that the only way to truly let go of resentment towards another person and to be free of thinking of them is to SINCERELY wish them all their hearts desire, forgive them, even ask how you can be helpful to them and pray for them.
(That means, that not only do I have to DO it, I have to MEAN it) GAH. And since there is no traffic on the high road, I will be all alone in my journey.

You want to make a phone call, or shout it from the rooftop of some building in mid-town,“Look I’m such a good person that I freakin’ pray for YOU. I hope you have everything your heart desires and I even wish you the best!” – yeah, it doesn’t work like that either…unfortunately. It turns out that when you truly forgive someone, you don't get to rub it in their face.

So what’s the point?

The point is, that somehow when you truly forgive someone you get to move on. You are no longer letting a hurtful person live in your mind (and heart) rent-free. Fortunately, this usually also includes protecting yourself and not allowing them to continue in your life. But you don’t get to drop the f-bomb, walk away and be done with it. You have to sincerely (damnit) wish them the best.

Warning: The first time hurts.

"...but how do I feel this good sober"

This morning I woke up sad and confused. I was still in my intense dream where I was on a bus with people from all walks of my life on the road with some sort of dream theatre job. I seemed to be in some sort of irrational rage that I couldn't snap out of (which would happen when I would drink). My best friend Marja was there sitting quietly in the back of the bus reading a book while I continued to yell and cause a scene. I knew she had already offered all the advice she could and had given up on helping me.

I simply wouldn't listen.

As I yelled, I knew I was irrational and no one seemed to be responding. Their patience had grown thin. I gathered by this point that I had had too much to drink and had been fired from my "dream job" with this theatre company. They were dropping me off at the next stop.

So I went and sat in the front of the bus by myself and cried in an attempt to make everyone feel sorry for me. I had prepared delicious snacks for the trip and began to share my snacks as a peace offering. Everyone took what I had to offer, but no one seemed to forgive me.

My behavior was unforgivable and had gone too far.

I sat in a seat with a friend of mine from college and another friend. and I began to cry. I had lost "my dream job and I was surely never going to work again. This was supposed to be the greatest summer of my life." One of them looked at me and said, "No it isn't. This is important and you need to take care of it." I went to the front of the bus and wallowed in my self-pity of all that I had done. I awaited my punishment alone in the front of the bus.

I woke up.

Today I am grateful that this was just a dream and no longer my life.
As of yesterday, I have been living a sober lifestyle for 90 days.

Brown Eyed Girl

Dear 8 pound baby Jesus (and the coloring gods):

Thank you for making me (sort of) brunette. Hopefully this will NEVER ever happen again. I hate being blonde. I mean, no offense to natural blondes, but nothing is worse than a bottle . Counting down the days until this grows out, but at least I look like myself (a little)….

A step in the right direction

Love always,

You're Brilliant Brunette (on the inside)

It Hurts So Good

Nothing is quite as appealing as something bad for me. Let’s face it, I love everything that is dysfunctional or possibly hurtful. Masochistic? Perhaps.

I prefer rebellious and passionate… but that’s just me. At least I’m becoming aware of it. Now, I know that I promised myself that I wouldn’t date for all of 2012. I have naturally found a way to bend this rule….

Meet my new boyfriend.

He loves me unconditionally (as long as I pet him, feed him and make him feel special…which seems to be my pattern).

This is George. The new love of my life. I see him as often as I can... and naturally I am allergic.