"It's not up to me, just let me be accidentally blonde..."

Oh dear God. All those times I said that blondes get more attention, or wondered why girls like Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson could get away with dark eyes and blonde
hair – you have corrected me. Thank you for not making me born this way (Kiss it GaGa). Forget crying over spilled milk… I think I’ll cry over these highlights.

God did not bless me with the glowing bronze skin required for this California look. My porcelain Scotch Irish skin is meant for long luxurious brunette locks. You know all those times I’ve seen people and thought – why did they do that to their hair?

Yeah, payback’s a bitch.

So I told the stylist that I did not want to look like a blonde, but that I wanted to look like my headshot… (I even showed her a picture) which is of a brunette with NATURAL and SUBTLE highlights… EPIC FAIL.

I’m not Marilyn, I’m Liz Taylor.

Dear 8 pound baby Jesus, make me look human again.

Love,
Kristin

P.S. – I even tried smiling....

I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag...

This post is (unfortunately) identical to a post a made in March of 2008. One would think that I would have learned this lesson, but it seems that I like to be beat over the head with a sledge hammer in order to take things home.

Once again, I will point out that this has nothing to do with religion. Let’s look at this as a simple definition… (And if you have a better one, please share!)

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Now, I swear sometimes I have amnesia. My friend Marja has to remind me frequently of the things that people have done that do not fit the above definition. I enjoy ‘living in the moment’ to a flaw. Apparently, I have the magical power of making past behavior disappear completely before my very eyes!

I think it is my destiny to get a really “good hands” on lesson in what love really is, because I seem to have experienced almost everything it ISN’T. Most recently, I found that I had to eliminate some relationships because they were not making my life better. In fact, the opposite had started to occur. There comes a point where you wake up and realize that you care about someone more than they care about you, or even themselves (I think it’s one stop away from destination “sad, pathetic girlville”). My most recent escapades have taught me about rudeness and self-seeking behavior. When people are rude, it shows that they don’t care to take the time to treat you well and acknowledge your feelings. Self-seeking = selfish and usually is accompanied with rude behavior. It’s hard to selfishly put yourself first and be nice about it after all.

The sad thing about my experience is that no matter how much you communicate with people who behave this way, it will change nothing. Either they simply don’t view themselves as
self-seeking and rude or they just don’t care enough to treat you any differently.

Either way – delete.

And now for the true TRAGIC part about my latest endeavors – WHY AM I STILL LEARNING THIS LESSON? Why do I have a hard time eliminating people who make me feel bad and don’t care about me? It’s almost like the worse they treat me the more I want to help them. Someone get me a new therapist… or a rope.

Crooked Teeth

Here we go kids.... I'm BACK!

So much in my life has changed since the last time that I blogged. But let me just say I'm back and you better be ready for some adventures.

Today is my 78th day of living a completely sober lifestyle and my perspective on life has certainly changed. I've learned a lot about myself already and I'm looking forward to the new adventures in my future.

As we get reacquainted, we will chat more about some of the recent goings on in my life, but besides sobriety, you may notice there is a new pep in my step - that's called figuring out life on my own. For the first time since I can remember, I am not IN a relationship, LOOKING for a relationship, or IN TRANSITION between relationships. Holy mother of God - you better find your ice skates, I think hell just froze over...

"Cause I built you a hole in my heart, with rotten wood, meant to cave from the start." Let's get back to the basics, shall we?

xoxo
K-dub

I'd like to Supersize that Humble Pie, Please

I've spoken about this frequently on my blog, but it just continues to come up in my life and be a pet peeve of mine. There is a fine line between confidence and conceit, and if you're not sure which side you're on, chances are you've crossed it. Nothing says 'newbie to New York" quite like a cocky attitude. It's really interesting to see people when they first move here - and I even think it takes a couple of years to be humbled by this city, but it's so obvious when someone hasn't been. Fresh of the Jet Blue flight to LaGuardia, still on a high from playing the lead in their last college production, or being named best actress by there pees, it's like they're carrying a contagious disease. Conceit. So annoying. Just go sit at any non-equity audition with all the kiddies fresh out of school...they definitely on the quick path to Broadway. Here's the thing, EVERY performer here was the star of their hometown - played leads in college, etc, etc... Why do people think that makes them special. We've all done that, and before you. Humility keeps you learning, working and fine tuning your craft... which the newbies will soon discover they aren't done with their craft. Cocky fades fast in this city... but a shitty personality is forever.

In My Mind I'm (Already) Gone to Carolina

So audition season is officially wrapping up and slowing down and it's very bitter sweet. Bitter in the sense that I haven't booked anything, but sweet in that I will be spending my summer in New York and that I might actually have some time to relax and sleep in.

I am in DESPERATE need of a vacation. I was just home over the holidays, but it feels like I need to get out of this town and on a beach stat! Thank God, my BFF from college is getting married and I'm going to North Carolina for an entire week!! I will be hitting up two different beaches and visiting my family in one swoop!

Did I mention that I have a dress that I've been DYING to wear and this wedding seems like the perfect occasion. I won't spoil it completely, but this is the bodice.

Please notice the bright orange sale tag on the side... Let's just say I practically STOLE this $500 dress off the rack!!

Of course, it wouldn't be a trip home if I didn't try to fit in as much as I could while I'm there!!

We fly in and drive home to my parents' house and will be there in time to have drinks with my former professor and see my cousin make her mainstage debut at my aluma mater!! It's a very happy accident that we can make it! Hellllo universe?!?!

Then it's off to Bald Head Island (as in you can't even drive cars on this beautiful deserted beach) for the lingerie party and wedding the next day. I am packing my kleenex for this one! My dad refers to my college BFF as "the good daughter".

After the wedding, it's time to relax with no obligations at beach #2, courtesey of my wonderful aunt and uncle! After a couple of days of having no where to be, looking at the water, and soaking in the sun at their beautiful beach house, we will head back to my home town and spend some QT with my family cooking steaks on the grill!

So I have lots of relaxing in my near future and I think it's well deserved. I'm truly going to embrace the moment, take some long walks on the beach and spend at least one morning sipping coffee on the wrap around poarch of my aunt's plantation style beach house and just reflect. Journal. Listen to the silence. Enjoy the salty air on my skin. And maybe even get some color on this pale skin!

Sometimes you just gotta go home! I dare say, North Carolina may be the greatest place on earth. I know the North Carolina beaches DEFINITELY rank among the most beautiful places in America, but one this is for sure - THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!!

This season has been truly exhausting. I think the universe is desparately trying to teach me patience... I haven't quite gotten there yet, but for now - VACATION!!!!

EPIC. FAIL.

Today has definitely been one of the worst days of my life. Please take a walk with me through a miserable day in NYC.

Let's begin with the weather. Three days ago was "the first day of Spring"... clearly a fail considering that today was 30 degrees and a snowy/rainy/slushy miserable day. I woke up at the butt crack of dawn, exhausted.

I plan to attend my doctor's appointment with my fabulous ENT with enough time to make it to my first audition of the day. I HAVE to be at the audition by 10:00, ideally 9:30. After having to receive three PAINFUL injections in my nose due to swelling, I leave the doctor around 10:06. After paying $15 in cab fare to get there quickly, I arrive to find out that the call is closed and I cannot be seen. Fail.

Then I decide to eat breakfast (by myself) which is just depressing and then I head to my next audition in the crappy weather.

I spend ALL afternoon waiting at my second audition and realize that I am going to be late for work because they are asking some people a second song. Fail.

I call work to tell them I will be late - then my phone dies. Fail.

Insert annoying girls with Broadway credits (who want everyone to know they have them) who are talking so loudly that I can't even read my book about how the only thing auditions should require is either a kick from dancers or a high c from singers. (Idiots... clearly acting wasn't in the equation).

I FINALLY get into the room and explain my piece exactly how my coach has told me, and I know that it is PERFECT for this season. I say my bit to the accompanist, but what I SHOULD have said was, "Hello, accompanist's name, this is what they call a piano." After the accompanist plays something that in no way even sounds like my song, I look like a complete idiot and I'm given a very abrasive, short and patronizing, "Thank you, Kristin". Now I SHOULD have asked to start over and said, "May I start over, I must have not explained my song correctly." or "May I do a different selection for you, clearly we weren't jiving with each other"... or maybe I SHOULDN'T have gotten out of bed this morning. FAIL.

Then comes the delightful trip work (45 minutes late with a dead cell phone) where I am once again thrilled by the efficient service of the MTA. My train stops three times under ground and in the mean time, a lady comes up to me and says, "You bumped me with your bag", which I don't doubt that I could have at all, because I carry my life on my shoulders on a daily basis and my bag barely passes carry-on standards. I said, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize it." She continues to stand over me and finally my bad day (and New York attitude) came to full talent and I said, "What do you want me to say? I said I'm sorry." Now what I SHOULD have said was, "What do you want a dollar?", "Would you like for me to give you my bag so you can hit ME with it?", or "Freakin' welcome to New York lady!"... but at this point all I'm thinking is WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME MARCH 23RD?!?!?

I finally make it to work, with tears in my eyes and there are peanut butter cookies waiting for me on my desk. I ate three. SUCCESS.

Everyone knows that calories don't count when you're having an epic fail day.

Nobody Likes a Quitter

It's been a bad couple of years for performers. Not gonna lie, this economy sucks and it's forced many performers who normally are working on Broadway to work for less and take regional work that in the past has gone to us ahem, less credited performers.

That being said, I spent the last few weeks contemplating what I really wanted out of my life. I've invested a huge amount of energy (and money and time and heart...etc.) into this deam of mine and I was seriously wondering if all the sacrafice would ever pay off. I mean if you're an architect and no one asks you to design a building for two years, are you still an architect?

Well, the answer is yes, (and thanks to Clay for that answer) because you are educated and capable of designing a building. And though it's been a hard couple of years for me and I'm not working like I want to - that still makes me an actress.

So here's the light bulb that went off for me yesterday...

What am I afraid of? Of failing? Of never working again?

Well if someone quits the business then they are INSURING that they will never work again.... and therefore, that makes them someone who fulfilled their own fears... Masochistic? Maybe.

There is not room for fear in this lifetime. You live ONCE and life is very short. You can't just quit when you're afraid. Don't quit anything you love.

k-dub