"...but how do I feel this good sober"

This morning I woke up sad and confused. I was still in my intense dream where I was on a bus with people from all walks of my life on the road with some sort of dream theatre job. I seemed to be in some sort of irrational rage that I couldn't snap out of (which would happen when I would drink). My best friend Marja was there sitting quietly in the back of the bus reading a book while I continued to yell and cause a scene. I knew she had already offered all the advice she could and had given up on helping me.

I simply wouldn't listen.

As I yelled, I knew I was irrational and no one seemed to be responding. Their patience had grown thin. I gathered by this point that I had had too much to drink and had been fired from my "dream job" with this theatre company. They were dropping me off at the next stop.

So I went and sat in the front of the bus by myself and cried in an attempt to make everyone feel sorry for me. I had prepared delicious snacks for the trip and began to share my snacks as a peace offering. Everyone took what I had to offer, but no one seemed to forgive me.

My behavior was unforgivable and had gone too far.

I sat in a seat with a friend of mine from college and another friend. and I began to cry. I had lost "my dream job and I was surely never going to work again. This was supposed to be the greatest summer of my life." One of them looked at me and said, "No it isn't. This is important and you need to take care of it." I went to the front of the bus and wallowed in my self-pity of all that I had done. I awaited my punishment alone in the front of the bus.

I woke up.

Today I am grateful that this was just a dream and no longer my life.
As of yesterday, I have been living a sober lifestyle for 90 days.

Brown Eyed Girl

Dear 8 pound baby Jesus (and the coloring gods):

Thank you for making me (sort of) brunette. Hopefully this will NEVER ever happen again. I hate being blonde. I mean, no offense to natural blondes, but nothing is worse than a bottle . Counting down the days until this grows out, but at least I look like myself (a little)….

A step in the right direction

Love always,

You're Brilliant Brunette (on the inside)

It Hurts So Good

Nothing is quite as appealing as something bad for me. Let’s face it, I love everything that is dysfunctional or possibly hurtful. Masochistic? Perhaps.

I prefer rebellious and passionate… but that’s just me. At least I’m becoming aware of it. Now, I know that I promised myself that I wouldn’t date for all of 2012. I have naturally found a way to bend this rule….

Meet my new boyfriend.

He loves me unconditionally (as long as I pet him, feed him and make him feel special…which seems to be my pattern).

This is George. The new love of my life. I see him as often as I can... and naturally I am allergic.

"It's not up to me, just let me be accidentally blonde..."

Oh dear God. All those times I said that blondes get more attention, or wondered why girls like Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson could get away with dark eyes and blonde
hair – you have corrected me. Thank you for not making me born this way (Kiss it GaGa). Forget crying over spilled milk… I think I’ll cry over these highlights.

God did not bless me with the glowing bronze skin required for this California look. My porcelain Scotch Irish skin is meant for long luxurious brunette locks. You know all those times I’ve seen people and thought – why did they do that to their hair?

Yeah, payback’s a bitch.

So I told the stylist that I did not want to look like a blonde, but that I wanted to look like my headshot… (I even showed her a picture) which is of a brunette with NATURAL and SUBTLE highlights… EPIC FAIL.

I’m not Marilyn, I’m Liz Taylor.

Dear 8 pound baby Jesus, make me look human again.

Love,
Kristin

P.S. – I even tried smiling....

I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag...

This post is (unfortunately) identical to a post a made in March of 2008. One would think that I would have learned this lesson, but it seems that I like to be beat over the head with a sledge hammer in order to take things home.

Once again, I will point out that this has nothing to do with religion. Let’s look at this as a simple definition… (And if you have a better one, please share!)

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Now, I swear sometimes I have amnesia. My friend Marja has to remind me frequently of the things that people have done that do not fit the above definition. I enjoy ‘living in the moment’ to a flaw. Apparently, I have the magical power of making past behavior disappear completely before my very eyes!

I think it is my destiny to get a really “good hands” on lesson in what love really is, because I seem to have experienced almost everything it ISN’T. Most recently, I found that I had to eliminate some relationships because they were not making my life better. In fact, the opposite had started to occur. There comes a point where you wake up and realize that you care about someone more than they care about you, or even themselves (I think it’s one stop away from destination “sad, pathetic girlville”). My most recent escapades have taught me about rudeness and self-seeking behavior. When people are rude, it shows that they don’t care to take the time to treat you well and acknowledge your feelings. Self-seeking = selfish and usually is accompanied with rude behavior. It’s hard to selfishly put yourself first and be nice about it after all.

The sad thing about my experience is that no matter how much you communicate with people who behave this way, it will change nothing. Either they simply don’t view themselves as
self-seeking and rude or they just don’t care enough to treat you any differently.

Either way – delete.

And now for the true TRAGIC part about my latest endeavors – WHY AM I STILL LEARNING THIS LESSON? Why do I have a hard time eliminating people who make me feel bad and don’t care about me? It’s almost like the worse they treat me the more I want to help them. Someone get me a new therapist… or a rope.

Crooked Teeth

Here we go kids.... I'm BACK!

So much in my life has changed since the last time that I blogged. But let me just say I'm back and you better be ready for some adventures.

Today is my 78th day of living a completely sober lifestyle and my perspective on life has certainly changed. I've learned a lot about myself already and I'm looking forward to the new adventures in my future.

As we get reacquainted, we will chat more about some of the recent goings on in my life, but besides sobriety, you may notice there is a new pep in my step - that's called figuring out life on my own. For the first time since I can remember, I am not IN a relationship, LOOKING for a relationship, or IN TRANSITION between relationships. Holy mother of God - you better find your ice skates, I think hell just froze over...

"Cause I built you a hole in my heart, with rotten wood, meant to cave from the start." Let's get back to the basics, shall we?

xoxo
K-dub

I'd like to Supersize that Humble Pie, Please

I've spoken about this frequently on my blog, but it just continues to come up in my life and be a pet peeve of mine. There is a fine line between confidence and conceit, and if you're not sure which side you're on, chances are you've crossed it. Nothing says 'newbie to New York" quite like a cocky attitude. It's really interesting to see people when they first move here - and I even think it takes a couple of years to be humbled by this city, but it's so obvious when someone hasn't been. Fresh of the Jet Blue flight to LaGuardia, still on a high from playing the lead in their last college production, or being named best actress by there pees, it's like they're carrying a contagious disease. Conceit. So annoying. Just go sit at any non-equity audition with all the kiddies fresh out of school...they definitely on the quick path to Broadway. Here's the thing, EVERY performer here was the star of their hometown - played leads in college, etc, etc... Why do people think that makes them special. We've all done that, and before you. Humility keeps you learning, working and fine tuning your craft... which the newbies will soon discover they aren't done with their craft. Cocky fades fast in this city... but a shitty personality is forever.