For The First Time... I Feel Wicked ;) - Week 2

Okay, I know you will all judge me and now I am officially a Musical Theatre dork - but this week I have decided to acknowledge Elphaba Thropp. I don't care if she is a fictional character. She has greatly affected my life. Elphie has restored many of my dreams in musical theatre (and it doesn't hurt that I can't wait to play her). I STILL get teary eyed when I hear that score (shout out to Stephen Schwartz) and I let my own demons get in the way of my dreams of playing her for a long time. But NOW things are different. When I work on the material for this role, I feel renewed, almost like a little hope light shines inside me.

We're talking about one of the hardest roles ever created... which is another reason why she has changed my life. I'm having to learn a GREAT deal about patience with myself while approaching this material. Of course, many "vampires" (see previous entry if you don't know what I'm talking about) come to visit when you decide that you are going to sing "Defying Gravity".

"Oh WHO is she?!?"

"AM I strong enough to really play this role?"

"This girl better belt her face if she thinks she is going to sing THIS in class!"

I'm sure you can imagine more.

But the truth is, every girl that has ever played (or will play) Elphaba has had to spend countless hours (months) preparing. It's not just about belting face or "vocal fireworks", (yes, that is the term Telsey uses) it's also about heart and I know that I have a huge one. I know that one day I will play the lady in green and I'll melt your face off when I give you a fierce "Defying Gravity" but I'll melt your heart in "I'm Not That Girl". But for now, I'm grateful to Elphie for all the challenges she has already made me face. Nailing every pitch perfect is part of it of course, but mostly having patience with myself and knowing that Rome wasn't built in a day and neither are Tony award winning leading ladies.

At least I know I look good in green ;)

And the Award Goes To... Week 1

January 6, 2011

In an effort to honor the good in my life, I've decided that with my blog in 2011, I am going to give a weekly salute to someone special in my life who has been an influence, or simply made it better. And I don't even want anything in return.

And since it's only the first week in January, this gives all of you wonderful friends of mine 52 opportunities to be honored in my blog!...Er, 51 if your name isn't Dan Bass (Sasha Sondheim).

My relationship with Dan begain while I was playing Gwendolen in The Importance of Being Earnest and Dan was Lady Bracknell's (the ah-mazing Charles Nye's) dresser. We hit it off swimmingly and following that fall, we became particularly close while he resided at "The Ice Box", affectionately termed so because it was the coolest (literally and figuratively) place to hang out in the Summer of 2006. He remained my friend that summer even though I stole his role in Footloose which he clearly deserved. That summer we originated the OOC and don't get it twisted - that is when Out of Control BEGAN.

I don't get to talk to Dan as much as I want (because he is busy being adored and cast in shows) but whenever I see him, we can always pick up like no time has past and I trust him with anything. He knows exactly how I like my rides to the airport - WITH BOJANGLE'S - and he always seems to make sure that I catch my flight back to NYC, despite much effort on my part to not be completely packed or sober.

Dan is someone that I can always count on for a great time because he is caring, generous, loving and compassionate. I love going out with him while I'm back home visiting my family... which I cherish, but I can't wait until he is in New York for good!!! Get here!!

For reals - this is 2008

-k

Don't Excuse Your Future

So I'm taking another auditioning class and my teacher drops the most amazing statement on me:

"As artists we focus on what went wrong because it gives an excuse for future failures."

This was in reference to someone saying that their audition was bad. And I thought about it, it is SO true. If you focus on what you don't do well or what went wrong, it's a lot easier to say, "I don't need to go to that audition" or "I'm not going to book that job"... Just excusing future failures.

Interesting...

Winds of Destiny

"I have studied many times

The marble which was chiseled for me -

A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor.

In truth it pictures not my destination

But my life.

For love was offered me and I shrank from its disillusionments

Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid;

Ambition called to me, but I dreaded the chances.

Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life.

And now I know that we must lift the sail

And catch the winds of destiny

Wherever they drive the boat.

To put meaning in one's life may end in madness,

But life without meaning is the torture

Of restlessness and vague desire -

It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid."

- George Gray

Spoon River Anthology

Keeping that sail lifted -

Die, Vampire, DIE!!

Most of you who know me at all have heard me talk about my "vampire". I'm not going to use any names but let me explain:

Based on the musical Title of Show:

A vampire is any person or thought or feeling that stands between you and your creative self-expression, but they can assume many seductive forms...

My main vampire is of the pigmy persuasion (they swarm around your head like gnats and say things like: Your teeth need whitening. You went to state school? You sound weird.... or they might say You'll never sing good enough to be in a musical.

That one is my person favorite and was frequently said to me by my vampire and it still lingers with me years later (about 7 years later to be exact). Well, today kids, I'M KILLING THAT EFFING VAMPIRE. In doing so, I'm cleansing by sharing my story and then that vampire is dead to me.

We all have the moment or that reocurring theme that seems to stay with us our entire career. Well, mine is that I can't sing and that I have pitch issues. Most of you who know me think that I am absolutely insane for having this issue, but let me tell you, my vampire NEVER said anything positive about my work. If someone tells you every day for three years that you can't sing, eventually you believe it. This is what I affectionately refer to as my "six seconds of shame". Comments such as:

1. "You should just do your 'Meisner' thing."
2. "You're never going to work in Musical Theatre.
3. (My personal favorite) "No one cares about the story you're telling if you're pitchy.

Well here is what I SHOULD have said.

1. I AM going to do my 'Meisner' thing, and I'm going to sing while I do it.
2. Please refer to my resume as to whether or not I will work in Musical Theatre.
3. NO ONE CARES ABOUT SOMEONE WHO SINGS BRILLIANTLY AND DOESN'T TELL A STORY YOU F'IN IDIOT!!!!

Okay, I'm yelling, but I'm not going to let that person (um, vampire) control me anymore. At first, I didn't quit musical theatre out of spite for this vampire, but honestly I wouldn't even have considered quitting to begin with if this person didn't tell me I should. Until recently, this vampire has "walked" into every audition, class or performance with me. I've let him sit in the corner of my mind (right next to my body image issues) and judge the way I sound and just wait for me to make a mistake. But here's the real life lesson - I LET HIM WALK IN THE ROOM WITH ME!!!! And everyone knows vampires have to be invited in. Well, I'm retracting my invitation.

What brought about this realization? I have the amazing and talented members of VP Boyle's Musical Theatre Forum class to thank. If you were lucky enough to see these people work every week like I do, you would know that their feedback and opinions are extremely valuable. And here's the deal - we give each other feedback every week and no one lies to me and says that I don't have pitch issues (hey, that's my issue at times, we all have one. Know who else had a reputation of being sharp? Barbara Streisand.), but they also aren't lying when they say that I'm confident, sexy, a great actress, or that I make interesting choices. I respect their opinions and think they are 12 of the most talented people I have been around, and if they think this stuff about me WHY WOULDN'T I BELIEVE IT?!?!?

There is a difference between constructive criticism and DISCOURAGING comments. It's as fine a line as the difference between confidence and conceit, but it does exist. A good teacher tells you that you have pitch issues, but helps you FIND A SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM, a good teacher tells you what IS working in addition to what isn't.

You want to know the most ironic things about my vampire? As I walked across the stage at my graduation, my vampire shook my hand and said, "I'm going to see your name in lights one day."

YOU DAMN RIGHT YOU ARE.





"Creativity is do delicate a flower that praise tends to make it bloom, while discouragement often nips it in the bud. Any of use will put out more and better ideas if our efforts are appreciated."

I'd Like to Thank the Academy

I'm a very emotional person and just watching Sandra Bullock (a fellow ECU alum) win the Oscar last year made me tear up. Yesterday I decided that I would YouTube some acceptance speeches... you know cause it hurts so good.

And in true day dreamer fashion, I have decided to write my own acceptance speech - I don't have a Tony (yet), but I do have a lot to be grateful for:

To My Dad and Kitty -
Thank you for not urging me to choose a more stable career.
Thank you for believing in me even when I didn't.
Thank you for the money that finally got me to New York.
Thank you for keeping my things in your attic because I don't have room in my tiny apartment.
Thank you for flying me home for Christmas and sending me little things in the mail.
Thank you for having my favorite snacks when I come home.
I truly couldn't do anything without you.

To My Muffin -
I don't know how I got so lucky. I don't know how I found my best friend in this big bad world, but the day I did was the luckiest day of my like. Without you, I could never be me.

To My Grandma -
Thank you for driving me to voice lessons (with Captain's Corner pit stop) and letting me wear pretty dresses. It was good practice for my future appearances in formal wear.

To Don Biehn -
Thank you for teaching me to look inside.
Thank you for teaching me how to appreaciate myself.
Thank you for teaching me that we are all intelligent in different ways.
Thank you for your countless advice. I'm still working on patience.

To The VAMPIRES who said I wouldn't make it, couldn't sing, didn't have what it takes, didn't have the guts, should just "stick with acting", that I'm too fat, can't dance, etc...
(You know who you are)
Thanks. You keep me going SUCKAS!!

"It's like going to a country club that doesn't allow blacks or Jews."

Sarah Silverman was a guest on The View last week and when asked about marriage she said something that really got me thinking…

SARAH SILVERMAN: I cannot imagine wanting to get married right now, at this time in America, and I can’t get my head around anyone [doing so] – You were talking about this earlier. If you’re for equal rights, why would you get married right now? It’s like going to a country club that doesn’t allow blacks or Jews. There’s no difference. Why would I want to join that club? It’s gross...

ELISABETH HASSELBECK: So until equal marriage, no marriage.

SILVERMAN: No way.

JOY BEHAR: That’s a good excuse for some people.

Now I’ve been thinking a lot about this for two reasons…. number 1, I do see myself as wanting to join that “club” one day and number 2, I also think that two people who love each other and want to be committed in a union shouldn’t be told by the state that they can’t. So I became conflicted.

Let’s be realistic, marriage has become nothing but a contract nowadays. I mean, I hate to take all the romance out of it, but over 50% of marriages end in divorce (and thank God they do). I can’t imagine anything closer to a personal hell than being in a loveless marriage where everyone suffers. But if all this is true, then why is it even something to desire.

So in dispute with Sarah Silverman, I thought about all the perks of Dan and I getting married (don’t worry it’s not happening any time soon!!) Every perk I could think of was financial (and therefore irrelevant to someone as wealthy as Sarah Silverman). If Dan and I were married, he would be on my insurance; we could file our taxes as a unit, etc. But if those are all the perks I could think of, then doesn’t that make it the definition of a sort of Business CONTRACT?!?!

Furthermore, if we live in a country that separates church and state, and the contract of marriage entitles you to certain perks from the state, then why is the church even involved? In a world where people can get divorced, is it even a religious union at all anymore?

I am not worried about anyone’s salvation but my own, and I certainly don’t think that rich, white republicans in office should have the right to determine who can be contractually bonded by the state (or what a woman should be allowed to do with her body, but that’s another issue). Let’s be real folks, this isn’t a religious issue at all. This is discrimination… and whose salvation are you protecting by not letting two men (or women) who love each other, be legally bonded so that they can make medical decisions (God forbid) or take out a loan or WHATEVER it is that married people do?

So I guess that even though I love Dan and one day I would love to wear a big white cupcake of dress and eat cake, I don’t think this “union” we call marriage comes even close to the romance that I want in my life. I don’t need a contract for romance (in the meantime… Dan can’t use my insurance) and I don’t want to be in a club where not everyone is invited.