Winds of Destiny

"I have studied many times

The marble which was chiseled for me -

A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor.

In truth it pictures not my destination

But my life.

For love was offered me and I shrank from its disillusionments

Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid;

Ambition called to me, but I dreaded the chances.

Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life.

And now I know that we must lift the sail

And catch the winds of destiny

Wherever they drive the boat.

To put meaning in one's life may end in madness,

But life without meaning is the torture

Of restlessness and vague desire -

It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid."

- George Gray

Spoon River Anthology

Keeping that sail lifted -

Die, Vampire, DIE!!

Most of you who know me at all have heard me talk about my "vampire". I'm not going to use any names but let me explain:

Based on the musical Title of Show:

A vampire is any person or thought or feeling that stands between you and your creative self-expression, but they can assume many seductive forms...

My main vampire is of the pigmy persuasion (they swarm around your head like gnats and say things like: Your teeth need whitening. You went to state school? You sound weird.... or they might say You'll never sing good enough to be in a musical.

That one is my person favorite and was frequently said to me by my vampire and it still lingers with me years later (about 7 years later to be exact). Well, today kids, I'M KILLING THAT EFFING VAMPIRE. In doing so, I'm cleansing by sharing my story and then that vampire is dead to me.

We all have the moment or that reocurring theme that seems to stay with us our entire career. Well, mine is that I can't sing and that I have pitch issues. Most of you who know me think that I am absolutely insane for having this issue, but let me tell you, my vampire NEVER said anything positive about my work. If someone tells you every day for three years that you can't sing, eventually you believe it. This is what I affectionately refer to as my "six seconds of shame". Comments such as:

1. "You should just do your 'Meisner' thing."
2. "You're never going to work in Musical Theatre.
3. (My personal favorite) "No one cares about the story you're telling if you're pitchy.

Well here is what I SHOULD have said.

1. I AM going to do my 'Meisner' thing, and I'm going to sing while I do it.
2. Please refer to my resume as to whether or not I will work in Musical Theatre.
3. NO ONE CARES ABOUT SOMEONE WHO SINGS BRILLIANTLY AND DOESN'T TELL A STORY YOU F'IN IDIOT!!!!

Okay, I'm yelling, but I'm not going to let that person (um, vampire) control me anymore. At first, I didn't quit musical theatre out of spite for this vampire, but honestly I wouldn't even have considered quitting to begin with if this person didn't tell me I should. Until recently, this vampire has "walked" into every audition, class or performance with me. I've let him sit in the corner of my mind (right next to my body image issues) and judge the way I sound and just wait for me to make a mistake. But here's the real life lesson - I LET HIM WALK IN THE ROOM WITH ME!!!! And everyone knows vampires have to be invited in. Well, I'm retracting my invitation.

What brought about this realization? I have the amazing and talented members of VP Boyle's Musical Theatre Forum class to thank. If you were lucky enough to see these people work every week like I do, you would know that their feedback and opinions are extremely valuable. And here's the deal - we give each other feedback every week and no one lies to me and says that I don't have pitch issues (hey, that's my issue at times, we all have one. Know who else had a reputation of being sharp? Barbara Streisand.), but they also aren't lying when they say that I'm confident, sexy, a great actress, or that I make interesting choices. I respect their opinions and think they are 12 of the most talented people I have been around, and if they think this stuff about me WHY WOULDN'T I BELIEVE IT?!?!?

There is a difference between constructive criticism and DISCOURAGING comments. It's as fine a line as the difference between confidence and conceit, but it does exist. A good teacher tells you that you have pitch issues, but helps you FIND A SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM, a good teacher tells you what IS working in addition to what isn't.

You want to know the most ironic things about my vampire? As I walked across the stage at my graduation, my vampire shook my hand and said, "I'm going to see your name in lights one day."

YOU DAMN RIGHT YOU ARE.





"Creativity is do delicate a flower that praise tends to make it bloom, while discouragement often nips it in the bud. Any of use will put out more and better ideas if our efforts are appreciated."

I'd Like to Thank the Academy

I'm a very emotional person and just watching Sandra Bullock (a fellow ECU alum) win the Oscar last year made me tear up. Yesterday I decided that I would YouTube some acceptance speeches... you know cause it hurts so good.

And in true day dreamer fashion, I have decided to write my own acceptance speech - I don't have a Tony (yet), but I do have a lot to be grateful for:

To My Dad and Kitty -
Thank you for not urging me to choose a more stable career.
Thank you for believing in me even when I didn't.
Thank you for the money that finally got me to New York.
Thank you for keeping my things in your attic because I don't have room in my tiny apartment.
Thank you for flying me home for Christmas and sending me little things in the mail.
Thank you for having my favorite snacks when I come home.
I truly couldn't do anything without you.

To My Muffin -
I don't know how I got so lucky. I don't know how I found my best friend in this big bad world, but the day I did was the luckiest day of my like. Without you, I could never be me.

To My Grandma -
Thank you for driving me to voice lessons (with Captain's Corner pit stop) and letting me wear pretty dresses. It was good practice for my future appearances in formal wear.

To Don Biehn -
Thank you for teaching me to look inside.
Thank you for teaching me how to appreaciate myself.
Thank you for teaching me that we are all intelligent in different ways.
Thank you for your countless advice. I'm still working on patience.

To The VAMPIRES who said I wouldn't make it, couldn't sing, didn't have what it takes, didn't have the guts, should just "stick with acting", that I'm too fat, can't dance, etc...
(You know who you are)
Thanks. You keep me going SUCKAS!!

"It's like going to a country club that doesn't allow blacks or Jews."

Sarah Silverman was a guest on The View last week and when asked about marriage she said something that really got me thinking…

SARAH SILVERMAN: I cannot imagine wanting to get married right now, at this time in America, and I can’t get my head around anyone [doing so] – You were talking about this earlier. If you’re for equal rights, why would you get married right now? It’s like going to a country club that doesn’t allow blacks or Jews. There’s no difference. Why would I want to join that club? It’s gross...

ELISABETH HASSELBECK: So until equal marriage, no marriage.

SILVERMAN: No way.

JOY BEHAR: That’s a good excuse for some people.

Now I’ve been thinking a lot about this for two reasons…. number 1, I do see myself as wanting to join that “club” one day and number 2, I also think that two people who love each other and want to be committed in a union shouldn’t be told by the state that they can’t. So I became conflicted.

Let’s be realistic, marriage has become nothing but a contract nowadays. I mean, I hate to take all the romance out of it, but over 50% of marriages end in divorce (and thank God they do). I can’t imagine anything closer to a personal hell than being in a loveless marriage where everyone suffers. But if all this is true, then why is it even something to desire.

So in dispute with Sarah Silverman, I thought about all the perks of Dan and I getting married (don’t worry it’s not happening any time soon!!) Every perk I could think of was financial (and therefore irrelevant to someone as wealthy as Sarah Silverman). If Dan and I were married, he would be on my insurance; we could file our taxes as a unit, etc. But if those are all the perks I could think of, then doesn’t that make it the definition of a sort of Business CONTRACT?!?!

Furthermore, if we live in a country that separates church and state, and the contract of marriage entitles you to certain perks from the state, then why is the church even involved? In a world where people can get divorced, is it even a religious union at all anymore?

I am not worried about anyone’s salvation but my own, and I certainly don’t think that rich, white republicans in office should have the right to determine who can be contractually bonded by the state (or what a woman should be allowed to do with her body, but that’s another issue). Let’s be real folks, this isn’t a religious issue at all. This is discrimination… and whose salvation are you protecting by not letting two men (or women) who love each other, be legally bonded so that they can make medical decisions (God forbid) or take out a loan or WHATEVER it is that married people do?

So I guess that even though I love Dan and one day I would love to wear a big white cupcake of dress and eat cake, I don’t think this “union” we call marriage comes even close to the romance that I want in my life. I don’t need a contract for romance (in the meantime… Dan can’t use my insurance) and I don’t want to be in a club where not everyone is invited.

Climbing Uphill (The truth)

When you come home to me
I'll wear a sweeter smile
And hope that for a while, you'll
Okay, thank you
Thank you so much
(Thank you for allowing me to sing my 16 bars after I've been waiting in the cold... warm up? What's that?)

I'm climbing uphill, Daddy
Climbing uphill

I'm up every morning at six
And standing in line
With two hundred girls
Who are younger and thinner than me
(Eat a sandwich)
Who have already been to the gym
(Because they don't work survival jobs aka "Trust fund actors")

I'm waiting five hours in line
(Even though I'm Equity)
And watching the girls
Just coming and going
In dresses that look just like this
Till my number is finally called
(Around an hour before I have to be at work at my survival job)

When I walk in the room
There's a table of men
Always men - usually gay
Who've been sitting like I have
And listening all day
To two hundred girls
Belting as high as they can!
(Look at me!! I can do that too!!)

I am a good person
(Who just needs you to take a chance on me!)
I'm an attractive person
(Who consumes solid food)
I am a talented person
(At least my parents think so)
Grant me Grace!
(DEAR GOD PLEASE!!)

When you come home...
I should have told the I was sick last week
(...from standing outside to get audition appointments when it's freezing in New York)
They're gonna think this is the way I sing
Why is the pianist playing so loud?
Should I sing louder?
I'll sing louder
(Frank Loesser said louder is better, right?)
Maybe I should stop and start over
I'm gonna stop over
Why is the director staring at his crotch?
(Or why is the 22 year old assistant casting director (who is the only person in the room) playing with a candy wrapper and texting?)
Why is that man staring at my resume?
Don't stare at my resume
I made up half of my resume
(Too bad it doesn't matter what is on your resume because the other women in your group have a Broadway credit and have worked with the director)
Look at me
Stop looking at that, look at me
No, not at my shoes
Don't look at my shoes
I hate these fucking shoes
Why did I pick these shoes?
(Because they were cheap and I'm broke)
Why did I pick this song?
(It's the most appropriate selection from my "well-rounded" rep book)
Why did I pick this career?
(WHY GOD WHY?!?!?!?!)
Why does this pianist hate me?
If I don't get a callback
I can go to Crate and Barrel with mom and buy a couch
(If I don't get a callback, I can do back home because I forgot my lunch. (no actor has enough money to shop at CRATE AND BARREL!!!))
Not that I was to spend a day with mom
But Jamie needs his space to write
(More like I haven't seen Dan in days because I work all the time)
Since I'm obviously such a horrible, annoying distraction to him
What's he gonna be like when we have kids?
(I just got insurance!!)
And once again...
Why am I working so hard?
These are the people who cast Linda Blair in a musical
(Because people know who she is)
Jesus Christ, I suck, I suck, I suck, I suck
(Because I didn't get a callback and NOW I have to go to work)
When fin'lly you come home to...
Okay, thank you
Thank you so much
(And another swing and a miss)

I will not be the girl stuck at home in the 'burbs
With the baby, the dog, and the garden of herbs
(These are bad things?)
I will not be the girl in the sensible shoes
Pushing burgers and beer nuts and missing the clues
(That's my second job in New York)
I will not be the girl who gets asked how it feels
To be trotting along at the genius's heels
I will not be the girl who requires a man to get by...
And I....

When you come home to me
I'll wear a sweeter smile...
(Can I just go back to North Carolina, please?)

Alphabet Soup

ABC Tag

A- Addiction – Coffee. It just starts my day off right.

B- Breakfast (what you eat) – An omelet with Cheese and some kind of veggie and turkey bacon.

C- Chocolate or Chips – Depends on my mood… but why choose… they compliment each other so nicely.

D- Dessert or Appetizers – Appetizers. Unless we’re talking Becca’s Strawberry Crème Pie.

E- Essential Items – Iphone, Ipod, Planner.

F- Favorite Color - Purple

G- Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms – Bears- red :)

H- Hometown – Greevnille, North Carolina! GO PIRATES!!

I- Indulgence – Getting my nails done, voice lessons.

J- January or July – JULY! This winter weather in NYC is already about to KILL me. We just had 10 inches of snow… Oh, I don’t know if I can make it through this winter!

K- Kids – Yours? Sure. LOVE to babysit.

L- Life isn’t complete without – My family, my faith.

M- Most exciting memory – Zip-lining down the Great Wall of China… I still don’t know how I did that!

N- Number of brothers & sisters – 1 younger brother.

O- Oranges or Apples – Orange Juice/ Apple’s as a snack.

P- Phobias or Fears – I’m always scared that something random and awful is going to happen to someone I love. I really shouldn’t be watching the news in NYC, where someone almost always is shown being shot by accident or hit by a bus. Okay, now that I admitted that fear… let’s erase it from the universe!

Q- Quote - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

R- Reading currently – I am TRYING to finish Breaking Dawn. I’m so over Bella I just don’t even think I can finish the books!

S- Summer or Spring - Summer!! Spring means lots of sneezing for me! I looooove the summer! Nothing beats flip flops and sun dresses!!

T- Tag 6 People – Becca… and Bucky I guess. They’re my only blogging friends.

U- Unknown fact about me – I always have to push the paper towel handle down three times… I don’t know why. I have tried to use less, because it’s wasteful… but it’s just the way life is gonna be. Push. Push. Push.

V- Vacation I want to go on – I really want to go somewhere warm and tropical! But for right now, I am stoked to see my folks in North Carolina for the Holidays!!

W- Walking or Running – I like to run on the elliptical (everything else hurts my knees) to Lady GaGa. On a nice warm day, I will walk anywhere in Manhattan!

X- XRay or Ultrasound – Xray. I want to see those pearly whites and healthy bones!! Lol.

Y- Your favorite Food – Mexican. I could eat Mexican (or anything spicy) every day.

Z- Zoo or Bowling – Bowling. But be careful! Dan is HIGHLY competitive!!

Let the Sunshine In!

"Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth,
'You owe me.'
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights the whole sky."

--Hafiz in "The Gift"